


Touch

by EverybodyLovesEggsy



Series: Senses [1]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Eggsy feels, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 12:01:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16304822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverybodyLovesEggsy/pseuds/EverybodyLovesEggsy
Summary: After Eggsy's past with Dean, it's hard to believe that Eggsy doesn't have some sort of lingering affects from that sort of child hood.Sorry for the kind of bad summary





	Touch

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Week by Week](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13569114) by [EverybodyLovesEggsy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EverybodyLovesEggsy/pseuds/EverybodyLovesEggsy). 



> Sort of prequel to Week by Week (one of the stories I am writing) but is more of a stand alone that was inspired by chapter one of Week by Week.

Growing up with Dean, after the wanker started abusing him and his mum, Eggsy realized that the best way to protect himself was to make himself scarce. If he didn’t Dean would no doubt shout and then get violent. However, after years of cuddles from his mum – ever since his dad died she was a bit clingy with him, but that was alright because he’d be lying if he said he didn’t cling to her too – he quickly realized being scarce meant he’d have to get used to limited hugs and never anything more. But Eggsy got used to it. Seeing his mum with Dean wrapped around her, Eggsy came to realize not being touched wasn’t so bad when the alternative was so much worse. Apart from when he was taking care of Daisy, Eggsy avoided touching at all cost because there weren’t any touches he wanted from the people he found himself surrounded by – especially after his mum stopped hugging him in favor of getting high. So, just over a decade after Dean became a part of his life, Eggsy pretty much forgot what it was like to be touched.

It wasn’t until Kingsman training that he realized he was also more alert to people’s movements than others. At home, if he wasn’t it meant another beating from Dean or worse: not being able to protect his mum or Daisy from a beating. So, as he continued to pass the Lancelot trials, Eggsy decided being aware wasn’t such a bad thing, as long as no one guessed why he was a bit too perceptive with body language. So, he continued to hide it, just as he had been doing ever since Dean began the beatings.

But then he didn’t pass the fucking dog test. He went home after stealing Arthur’s car, and his mum hugged him. She held him tight just like she used to when his dad first died. Eggsy nearly sobbed from the hug and he realized just how touch-starved he was. Then he tried to go after Dean but Harry had other plans. He held back a flinch when Harry yelled, as he did with all shouting directed at him – another wonderful souvenir from growing up with Dean – and realized he wasn’t just touch-starved. He was also praise-starved. Which explains, at least partly, why he felt so good when Merlin occasionally praised him during the trials.

Before he could get back in Harry’s good graces, and hopefully be rewarded with a touch or a praise – really, he wasn’t picky, he just needed _something_ – Harry went to Kentucky and got shot in the head. Then Eggsy killed Arthur and saved the world. Merlin told him Harry would be proud, sending a wave of warmth through his adrenaline-pumped body, and he fucked a Swedish Princess because _finally_ someone was touching him. Eggsy then got back to the plane and promptly passed out on the couch until Roxy woke him up to tell him they were back in London. The hand she had used to shake his shoulder almost burned it felt so good, but luckily Roxy just assumed that he was leaning into the touch due to his adrenaline crash. Merlin told them to go home to get rest and Eggsy immediately cuddled Daisy when he got there, careful not to wake her up after the shit day he knows she had. He fell asleep with her on his chest.

For the next few weeks, he continued on like that – he helped clean up the world after V-day, thrived for praise from Merlin, then cuddled Daisy and his mum as soon as he got home (now that Dean was gone). The world slowly put itself back together, and Kingsman calmed down some. As the world fixed itself, things began to go back to normal. However, even with Harry as the new Arthur – he’d been found and fixed up during the post V-day clean up – praise no longer was able to hold off the need Eggsy felt for touch until he could get home. Which is why after a long mission that exhausted him to the bone, he accidentally revealed himself.

Eggsy was dreading the debrief with Arthur, as well as the debrief with Merlin. He had done a risky stunt in order to get some extra intel, which already pissed the two off, and then proceeded with yet another risk in order to escape. So, he knew he was in for some serious reprimanding from the two. Eggsy entered Harry’s office after knocking to see the man glaring at him. The man motioned to the chair in front of him and Eggsy sat down. Surprisingly, Harry continued the motions of a normal debrief, despite the glare that he didn’t stop giving Eggsy. Once they were done, they sat in stone cold silence until Eggsy couldn’t take it anymore.

“Jus’ say wot you want ta say, ‘Arry”, Eggsy sighed tiredly, knowing his accent was a bit more prominent with his exhaustion.

“Do you know how reckless that was, Eggsy?”

“Yeah, an’ I’d do it again.”

Eggsy watched as Harry rose out of his seat slowly, leaning forward on his fingers which were still on his desk. “You’d what?”

“You heard me. The intel was importan’ an’ I wasn’ about ta leave it behind.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Harry asked as he quickly raised his hands in anger.

However, Eggsy hadn’t expected the shouting or the quick movement of the man’s arms. He expected Harry’s quieter anger when he first entered, but in his exhaustion, the louder anger hadn’t occurred to him. So he had flinched.

Despite not looking at him, Eggsy knew Harry saw it because the man froze and went quiet. Eggsy could feel the man’s gaze as he slowly dropped his arms.

“Eggsy–”

“Our debrief is over and Merlin is expecting me. Have a good night, Arthur”, Eggsy swiftly interrupted him and left.

The soft tone Harry had been unbearable. Eggsy knew the man already had an idea of what his childhood was like but Eggsy was _not_ ready to have that conversation with him. Not when he was this exhausted.

However, because he was trying to get away from Harry as fast as possible, Eggsy hadn’t really been paying attention to his surroundings. He entered Merlin’s lab and ran into the handler. Strong hands instinctively grabbed his arms to keep him steady, and that was all it took for Eggsy to break down. Between his slip with Harry and the touch on his arms, Eggsy’s legs gave out and he would have collapsed onto the floor had Merlin not have caught him in his arms.

“Eggsy? Are you okay?”

Eggsy couldn’t hold in the sob that broke free now that more of Merlin was holding him. Unthinkingly, he leaned even further into his handler. Merlin moved the two of them onto his couch, without letting go of him, _thank god_ , and situated them so that Eggsy was tucked into Merlin’s chest as he let go of more sobs. Eggsy couldn’t stop his arms from wrapping around the man when Merlin began to rub an arm up and down his back soothingly.

Eggsy doesn’t know how long they stayed like that – Merlin holding him through his sobs – but before he knew it, Eggsy began to drift off. He was half asleep when he felt Merlin lift him up and carry him out of the room. With his head tucked against the man’s neck and his hands gripping the soft jumper he wore, Eggsy couldn’t help but think that this is the safest he felt since before his dad died as he drifted off further.

He heard a door open and close and then felt himself being put down on a mattress. However, Eggsy felt Merlin try and move away so he gripped the jumper he was holding even harder causing the man to stop. After a brief hesitation, Eggsy felt the mattress dip next to him as he was moved over some and so he snuggled back into Merlin’s warm chest. He sighed as he felt his handler’s arm wrap around him and drifted the rest of the way into oblivion, surrounded by the man’s comforting scent.

><><><><><><><><><><><>< 

Eggsy came to consciousness slowly. For the first time in years he felt relaxed. He couldn’t remember a time he woke up this relaxed. Perhaps before his dad died. As he became a little more aware, Eggsy noticed that he was surrounded by warmth. But it wasn’t a blanket; whatever he was wrapped up in was warmer and heavier. He shifted slightly and realized it was a person. That’s when last night flooded back to him. Eggsy snapped his eyes open and looked up slightly to see the soft look on Merlin’s face. Eggsy’s never seen the man look so peaceful. However, he knew it wasn’t his place to be staring at the man while he was sleeping. The only reason Merlin let him stay with him was because he had sobbed and then refused to let go of the man’s jumper. So, Eggsy began trying to extract himself without waking up the handler.

“Where do ya think you’re going, lad?”

The deep voice startled him into freezing. Merlin’s voice was rough and his accent heavier when he was tired. Eggsy stopped that line of thinking and looked up at the man’s face again. The now open hazel eyes looked back at him.

“I’m sorry”, Eggsy blurted out, “About last night. I didn’ mean to impose or anythin’. I… I was just about ta leave, give you your space back. But… Fanks. For lettin’ me stay, I mean. I’ll be out of your way now.”

Eggsy tried to leave again, but Merlin tightened his arms around him.

“It was nae a problem, Eggsy. But I was hoping we could talk.”

Eggsy stopped moving again and refused to look up at man’s face again as he whispered, “Did Harry talk to you?”

“Aye, last night after you fell asleep.”

Eggsy closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“Eggsy, we just want you to know that we won’t hurt you lad.”

“I know”, Eggsy said quietly.

“Do you? Is that why you keep your distance?”

Eggsy looked up into the hazel eyes looking at him then. Merlin wasn’t asking out of judgement. His voice and eyes were too soft for that.

Eggsy took a deep breath and closed his eyes again as he told him, “I flinch because it’s not a mindset easy to break. I keep my distance because if I don’t I won’t know how to stay away.”

When there wasn’t a response, Eggsy thought Merlin was going to let go and leave like so many have already done. So many people have let go – his dad, his mum, even Harry – that Eggsy doesn’t know what it’s like to have someone to keep holding him. But when Merlin makes no move to let go, Eggsy opens his eyes and lets out a ragged breath he didn’t know he was holding. As soon as those hazel eyes see his, Merlin leans down to press his lips to Eggsy’s. Eggsy gasps in surprise and kisses back.

After a what feels like forever, Merlin pulls back just enough to say, “I don’t want you to stay away. Stop keeping your distance, Eggsy. Let us help you teach you that you don’t need to flinch at loud words or quick movements.”

After a second, Eggsy nods slowly and Merlin kisses him again. They stay that way until Merlin’s glasses ping, calling in to work. The man kisses him once more and leaves. Not much later, Eggsy gets up and goes to work for they day. When he sees Harry later, the man acts like nothing is amiss but Eggsy notices he telegraphs his movements and touches him more – squeeze on the shoulder here, a pat on the back there. For the rest of the day, Eggsy can’t help but notice this occurs with anybody he interacts with on a regular basis, and at the end of the day, Merlin greets him with a peck on the lips and puts his hand on the small of Eggsy’s back as the two leave HQ. When they sit in the tube heading towards London, Merlin’s knees brushing his, Eggsy can’t help but think perhaps he can relearn what it’s like to be touched.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for Reading!!! Love Kudos and Comments!!!


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